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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24089602">from my head to my middle finger</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenlyMess/pseuds/HeavenlyMess'>HeavenlyMess</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Frank Iero and the Future Violents (Band), Frank Iero and the Patience, Gerard Way and the Hormones, LeATHERMØUTH, My Chemical Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Cheating, Depression, Frerard, M/M, Mental Illnesses, frob</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:22:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,199</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24089602</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenlyMess/pseuds/HeavenlyMess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard arrives to NYC for a new job, and moves in with one of Mikey's friend, but it gets a little awkward</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bob Bryar/Frank Iero, Frank Iero/Gerard Way</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 01 they meet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gerard unfolded the piece of paper with the address one last time to make sure he was in the right building.</p><p>Mikey told him his friend should be home by now, and it was the apartment on the third floor. ‘Just look for Frank, and tell him I sent you,’ he had said. He was one of his friends from back when he was an intern. ‘He’s a nice dude.’</p><p>Gerard had just got a job as a cartoonist for DC, so he needed a place to stay in NYC. He didn’t have the money to rent an apartment, so his brother sent him to one of his friends. Gerard had his reservations, though. He wasn’t the most social person, and he wasn’t sure if they’d get along. But he didn’t have another choice.</p><p>So he ate his pride and went up the stairs, taking a deep breath before knocking on the door.</p><p>He heard noises inside, followed by a voice, but couldn’t understand what he was saying. A moment later, a short guy with a black mop of hair covering half his face and no shirt opened the door. ‘Hey – I’m Mikey’s brother,’ Gerard started, his voice shaky. ‘I’m here about the room.’</p><p>‘Oh, yeah, he called me,’ the guy replied, looking half asleep. ‘Come in.’ Gerard followed him inside. The apartment in itself looked ordinary, though kind of big for New York City. He wondered how much money this guy made. Mikey only mentioned he was still in the music business. ‘He mentioned you got a job in the city, huh?’</p><p>‘Yeah, yeah,’ Gerard managed to mumble.</p><p>‘I’m Frank, by the way.’</p><p>‘Gerard.’</p><p>They shook hands, and he showed him around. Or rather pointed at the different parts of the apartment. ‘Kitchen slash dining room, living room, bathroom, my room, and your room, if you decide to take it.’</p><p>‘How much would it be? I don’t have a lot at the moment, but hopefully soon –’</p><p>‘Nah,’ Frank interrupted. ‘You’re okay. I don’t really need help with the rent. But you can stock the fridge with anything you like. For you obviously. I’m barely home, and when I am, I order takeout. Also, there’s a little detail, I don’t know if Mikey mentioned it – whenever I’m home, I like to throw parties once in a while. They’re not the wildest, but they can go on until four or five in the morning. So if that’s okay with you –‘</p><p>He usually went to bed really late, so it didn’t bother him. ‘Yeah. That’s fine.’</p><p>‘Well, rad! Then you can move in anytime.’ He handed him a key, and showed him the room. It was small, with a full bed that took most of the space, but at least it had a closet already. He didn’t need much.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He moved in two days later, and found Frank sleeping in the couch. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Last night was one of those parties I told you about.’ He was shirtless again, making Gerard wondered if that was going to be a thing. He tried not to stare at his chest tattoos, and walked into his room.</p><p>All his belongings barely filled two bags, so he just hanged his clothes, and put away his art supplies, before going out to buy food and toiletries. When he returned, Frank’s speakers were blasting very loud music, he didn’t even notice when Gerard came in. At least, he was wearing clothes, he thought. ‘I’m sorry – I forget I don’t live alone anymore,’ Frank said. It was the first time he saw him without his hair covering his face. He was attractive, he noticed. Not that it mattered.</p><p>‘It’s fine. But what about the neighbors? Don’t they complain?’</p><p>‘Nobody lives downstairs. Mrs. Ness in the first floor is already going deaf.’</p><p>Gerard nodded, and put all his food inside the fridge, while Frank finished cleaning the mess from the party. ‘Oh, by the way – Bob is coming over later, and he’s bringing lunch. I told him to bring some extra for you.’</p><p>Gerard supposed it was one of his friends, so he just nodded pretending he knew who he was talking about. ‘Thanks.’ He locked himself in his room, and started working on his portfolio. He was supposed to have a meeting in a couple days, and they needed to see his ideas.</p><p>And when Gerard put his mind to it, he could spend an entire day drawing and sketching, forgetting to even eat and go to the bathroom. So he didn’t hear the first time Frank called him. Or the second. Not only he was banging on his door did he remember he told him he’d have lunch with him and his friend. ‘I’m coming.’ It was the least he could do for all his hospitality, and not having to pay for rent.</p><p>He put away his stuff, and walk out his room.</p><p>What he didn’t expect was Frank sitting in a guy’s lap, his arm around his shoulder, eating his entire face. Gerard didn’t want to seem disrespectful, or he was shocked, so he didn’t say anything, and walked straight to the kitchen. ‘Oh – Gerard!’ Frank said when he noticed him. ‘This is Bob. He kinda lives here, too. Bob, this is Gerard, he lives in the guest room.’</p><p>Bob just nodded at Gerard, and then turned back to Frank. ‘You have another guy living here?’</p><p>‘He’s Mikey’s brother. Remember Mikey?’ Bob nodded. ‘He got a job here, and Mikey asked me if he could stay here for a while.’</p><p>‘I promise I’ll be quiet, and you won’t even notice me here,’ Gerard said, which was true. He liked to keep to himself.</p><p>‘I’m just joking,’ Bob told him, and kept kissing Frank.</p><p>Gerard served himself  a portion of noodles and tofu teriyaki, and didn’t know whether to go to his room, or sit with them, but Frank stopped him. ‘Come sit with us,’ he said, and got up from Bob’s lap to sit on a chair next to him. ‘Sorry if we made you uncomfortable.’</p><p>‘It’s fine,’ Gerard said. He just wasn’t used to – that. People being so open about it.</p><p>‘It’s just that he just came back from tour and we hadn’t seen each other in a while, so –’</p><p>‘So you’re a musician?’ Gerard asked Bob.</p><p>‘I’m a sound engineer for touring bands,’ he told him. ‘But I’m also a working drummer.’</p><p>‘That’s how we met,’ Frank interrupted. Gerard didn’t ask what he did, he just continued talking. ‘I was playing with this band at the time, and he worked for our team, and then we ran into each other months later when he played drums for an album, and you know –‘</p><p>‘So you’re in a band?’</p><p>‘<em>Was. </em>Now I just get paid to play guitar in other people’s albums, or go on tour when they need one.’ So that’s how he made money for a nice apartment.</p><p>‘And what do you do?’ Bob asked out of nowhere.</p><p>‘I got a job in DC Comics. As concept artist.’</p><p>‘What?! That’s a big fucking deal!’</p><p>‘Are you serious?!’ Frank screamed, and Gerard nodded. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’</p><p>‘Because – I don’t know. I don’t like to brag.’ They talked for another hour or two before Gerard excused himself to go back to work. He only went out of his room to grab an apple, and use the bathroom once.</p><p>He was still sketching late at night when he heard Frank’s moans and calling Bob’s name, followed by weird noises that could only mean one thing. He wondered if that was how it was going to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 02 roommates</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gerard had been living with Frank for two weeks already, and he was getting used to it. Between work and staying in his room all day to sketch, he barely saw him, but Frank always brought him food from whatever place he went out to eat, and let him use his Netflix account. Yeah, it was a little awkward to find him and Bob making out everywhere, or the fact he could hear every time they were fucking, but he tried to ignore that.</p><p>Besides, he did seem a nice guy. They’d only talk twice since, but it was obvious. Once when he came home from work, and Frank was making himself coffee, looking like he was dead, yet he still asked how work went, and started talking about Mikey out of nowhere. ‘He’s a nice dude,’ he said.</p><p>‘He is.’</p><p>‘Tell him he can come anytime he wants. I miss him. He used to be so fun at parties.’</p><p>‘I’ll tell him.’</p><p>The second time, he’d come out of his room in the morning and found him on top of Bob while they lay on the couch, most likely naked under the blanket. He made a mental note to never sit there. He made himself a coffee, and tried to ignore them obviously putting their tongues on each other’s mouths. Did they see him? And to make things even more uncomfortable, Frank got up and walked to the kitchen, proving Gerard’s theory that he was naked. Frank walked right next to him, his boner hanging just like that, to grab a cup of coffee. ‘Thanks, man!’ he said, and Gerard kept his face hidden to avoid the embarrassment.</p><p>Yet, most of the time, he wasn’t even home. He was either at work in the studio, and had to go on tour last minute for almost a week. Yet, when he came back, he invited a lot of people over. Gerard stayed in his room, working for the most part. Parties weren’t his thing anyway. Or fun.</p><p>Though he couldn’t help it and had to go to the bathroom. He was shocked so many people could fit in the tiny apartment, but his anxiety was through the roof. So he walked back to his room. Or tried to. </p><p>‘There he is!’ he heard Frank say. When he turned around he saw him walking from the living room. He was wearing jeans, and a tank top, but no shoes, and he was clearly drunk. And high as fuck. ‘I wanted to tell you you’re obviously invited, but I wasn’t sure if you were sleeping.’</p><p>‘I’m okay. I was working.’</p><p>Frank nodded. ‘Well, you can hang out now, can you?’ Gerard wanted to tell him he was tired, and that he wanted to go to sleep, but Frank looked like he was about to cry.</p><p>‘You don’t want me here. I’m not the best at these things.’</p><p>‘But I do want you here,’ Frank replied, pulling him by the arm to join the party.</p><p>‘Where’s Bob?’ Gerard couldn’t help asking. They were attached by the hip, and it was weird that he’d rather want to hang out with him than with his boyfriend.</p><p>‘He’s coming. He had to stay at the studio all night.’</p><p>So that’s why he looked like crying, Gerard thought. He was starting to notice Frank had more issues than he thought, but who was he to judge. ‘Hey, guys!’ Frank interrupted a group of his friends. ‘This is my new roommate, Gerard. Gerard, these are my friends.’ He introduced him to everyone, and every time, he made sure to mention he worked at DC. Some of them pretended to be interested, but Gerard knew they were faking. They weren’t the kind of people who’d read comics.</p><p>And that’s why he hated social gatherings in general. He hated people, he hated talking, he knew no one would care about the same stuff he cared about, and he really wanted to go to bed. He just sat there, going through his phone. Frank offered him a drink, and he took it. A minute later, Bob arrived, and Frank got distracted immediately, pulling him by his shirt to kiss him.</p><p>Gerard waited a little bit so it wasn’t that obvious he was only there for Frank, and fortunately for him, a girl started a conversation with him about his Bowie shirt.</p><p>At some point Frank’s shirt was gone, and he was sitting on Bob’s lap, as usual. Bob’s tongue deep down his throat, and his hand going inside his underwear. In front of everyone!</p><p>Gerard tried to look away but he couldn’t.</p><p>Did anyone else see that? Was this normal for them?</p><p>Gerard kept the conversation going, to avoid the awkwardness of the situation, but he could swear Frank was looking at him while kissing Bob. Did he imagine that too?</p><p>He had to remind himself Frank was very drunk and under the influence of who knows what, not that it made it easier. ‘You smoke?’ Gerard asked the girl out of nowhere, and they both when outside immediately after that.</p><p>He didn’t go back inside until the girl left, and then half the people had already left too, and the other half where crashing on the couch, right next to Bob jerking Frank off, his dick out for everyone to see. Gerard walked away as fast as possible, convinced they never saw him anyway, and straight to his room, and jerked himself off to sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 03 frank is lonely and sad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The following morning – or rather, noon – Gerard woke up with the worst hangover. He hadn’t had a drink in a while, and promised himself not to drink again. But for now, he needed coffee. And to pee.</p><p>He ran to the bathroom, still half asleep, and then went straight to the kitchen to make himself some coffee.</p><p>‘Good morning, sleepy head,’ Frank greeted from the dining room. Gerard mumbled something not even close, but Frank assumed that’s what he tried to say. ‘Oh, you have a hangover?’ Gerard didn’t answer, but wondered why he looked so recovered. ‘You need a shower, my man. It’ll make you feel human again. Can I ask you something?’ There was a pause before he continued. ‘Did I do anything embarrassing?’</p><p> Gerard avoided looking at him at all costs. The last thing he needed was to remember what he saw last night. ‘Uhm – I don’t remember?’ he said, hoping that’d be enough for him. Frank gave him a look, not sure whether to believe it or not, but didn’t press any further.</p><p>‘Good morning, Gerard,’ Bob said walking by him.</p><p>‘Good morning, babe,’ Frank said.</p><p>‘I’m not talking to you.’</p><p>Bob walked out of the apartment, clearly pissed, as Frank just looked confused. Gerard wanted to ask, but he didn’t know them enough to get involved. That didn’t matter because Frank told him. ‘He says he caught me fucking someone. He didn’t tell me who though.’</p><p>Gerard stood there, eyes opened twice as big. There was a limit on how much he needed to know about his roommates, and this crossed the line. He had already seen too much. ‘I – I don’t know what to say –’</p><p>‘I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be telling you this. I just thought you had seen something.’</p><p>‘I –’</p><p>Frank just got up from his seat and walked to his room, and Gerard went back to his. He took some aspiring and went back to sleep because he had the worst headache ever. He was then woken up by Frank and Bob yelling at each other. Something about not remembering what happened, and that they were just as intoxicated, and how everyone saw Frank sucking some guy’s dick. ‘What are you talking about?!’ Frank yelled.</p><p>‘Matt told me – he said he doesn’t know the name of the guy, but he had a beard. Was that Marc?’</p><p>‘Fuck no!’ There was more yelling, though Gerard had no idea what they were talking about. Then, doors got slammed, and more yelling, and then, complete silence.</p><p>Gerard felt like he had to ask Frank if he was okay. Whatever it was that happened, he was probably feeling like shit, and he’d been a good friend to Gerard, so he just felt obliged to make sure he was doing fine. He’d been there before, and it was the worst.</p><p>It took him a while to get the courage, and by the time he walked out of the room, he saw Frank crying in the couch – the same one where him and Bob where making out – holding a bottle of Vodka. He was in his boxers, all sweaty, and Gerard was sure he’d taken something else. ‘Is everything okay?’ he asked, knowing how stupid that sounded.</p><p>Frank shook his head, mumbling something, and then took a sip from the bottle. ‘He left me.’</p><p>‘I am so sorry.’ Gerard kept his distance. He didn’t know exactly what happened, but from what he’d seen, Frank was very <em>handsy</em>, and his moods went all over the place – probably because of the drugs –, and that was exactly what led him to where he was. But he didn’t know if he couldn’t control himself either. There was something about Frank. ‘I’m here if you need me, you know that, right?’</p><p>Frank nodded. ‘Can you hug me?’</p><p>Gerard knew he couldn’t tell him no. So, he got closer, and put his arms around him. He tried not to, but it was impossible for his hands not to touch his bare skin. He smelled like puke, and cigarettes, but mostly puke. He wanted to pull away, but Frank was holding him tight, and he heard him sobbing in his shoulder. <em>Fuck. </em>He didn’t know what to say. <em>You shouldn’t have fuck whoever that was? </em>So he just let him cry. He told him he couldn’t remember for the life of him who that was, and maybe it didn’t mean anything. But he missed him so much, and his life didn’t have a meaning without him, and he wanted to die.</p><p>Gerard realized it was worse than he thought, and he was sure he didn’t know the whole story. But he didn’t like to see him suffer. He took away the vodka, and went to grab one of his own shirts to give to him. ‘Here, you’re cold.’ Frank put it on, while Gerard went to get ice cream from the fridge. ‘This will help. And you can yell at me all you want if you need to vent.’</p><p>‘I really don’t feel like yelling.’</p><p>‘That’s okay. I’m still here.’</p><p>‘You want to watch a movie?’ If that was going to help, he’d do it. He sat next to him – keeping a safe distance – while Frank chose a movie. He finally decided on Finding Nemo, but he kept talking throughout the movie, telling Gerard about Bob, and crying. Gerard comforted him, patting him in the back, but Frank cuddled next to him, and fell asleep.</p><p>Gerard waited until the movie was over to walk him back to his bed so he could sleep comfortable, and before Gerard turned around to go to his room, Frank turned around to kiss him in the lips, slipping his tongue in a little. ‘Thanks for being a friend.’ And he got under the covers.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 04 friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW self-harm</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Frank had been drinking a lot more.</p><p>Like, a fucking lot. And crying. Gerard could hear him from his room, yelling Bob’s name. He’d tried helping him, while keeping a safe distance. Making sure he’s okay, cooking for him, helping him up when he found him lying on the kitchen floor sobbing.</p><p>By now, Gerard knew Frank was a little overdramatic. But he also knew he was very intoxicated, and it hurt him to see him like that. He didn’t know why he cared so much about him when they’d barely talked, but he did.</p><p>When he came home from work one day, he found him crying on the couch, so instead of locking himself in his room, he sat next to him to finish his project while they watched a movie. ‘Finding Dori?’ he asked, and Frank immediately said yes. He lay on the couch, his head touching Gerard’s leg, only because he has his sketchbook on his lap.</p><p>They watched in silence, but Gerard knew he was crying.</p><p>He heated up the leftover lasagna for Frank, and stayed there to make sure he was eating, and not drinking anything, or having anything else. ‘You wanna talk?’ Gerard asked.</p><p>Frank sighed. ‘Not really. That’s why I drink.’</p><p>‘But you’re not going to.’</p><p>‘But –’</p><p>‘I don’t care. You’re only making things worse.’</p><p>There was silence for a second. Frank finished the lasagna, and just stared at the floor. ‘Why do you care about me?’</p><p>That caught Gerard off guard. He didn’t know why either. Was he attracted to him? Maybe. Though it wasn’t so much physical attraction. He didn’t know what it was, but he kept pulling him closer. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘You look like you could use a friend. I’ve been there.’</p><p>Frank nodded. ‘So I cause pity?’</p><p>‘No – no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that. I mean, you were really nice to me since we met, even though you didn’t know anything about me. I know it’s because of Mikey, but yet, you kept trying to be my friend. You got me food, and invited me to hang out, even though I’m the least fun person ever. And I don’t like to see you sad, because you seem a really nice person, and you deserve better.’</p><p>Frank didn’t know what to say, and tears rolled down his face.</p><p>‘Don’t cry.’ Gerard couldn’t help sitting with him and hugging him to comfort him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>During the following couple days, Gerard would do the same thing when coming home from work. He’d sit with Frank to watch a movie. Some days, he could smell the alcohol. Some days, he could see Frank was different. Intoxicated, with sad eyes, and absent. Yet, they sat together every day to watch something. He’d let him cry, and listen to him complain about anything. They got to know each other better, talking about random stuff, and realizing they had a lot of things in common.</p><p>But as much as Gerard tried, Frank was drinking more and more every time, and getting high on whatever he found, which was worrying Gerard.</p><p>He went to check on him to his room before going to bed, to find him crying again, eyes half open, drooling. Gerard wasn’t sure if he was on drugs or just sleeping. ‘I’m fine,’ he assured him, and Gerard chose to believe him. Despite not going to work, or not showering, Frank had been doing fine in the past couple days. He didn’t look as sad, or at least tried to.</p><p>Yet, two hours later, Gerard found him in the bathroom, razor blade in hand, bleeding.</p><p>‘What the fuck, Frank?!’</p><p>He carefully took away the blades, and pulled him closer for a hug, even though he’d get blood all over him, before helping him to wash his arm. He wasn’t a doctor, but the cut didn’t look deep enough to do any actual damage other than to his tattoos. ‘Where’s the first-aid kit?’ Gerard asked. Frank pointed to the mirror in front of him, and Gerard got some gauge and bandages. ‘Come here,’ he said, pulling him to sit next to him on the floor by the bathtub. He cleaned the wound, and proceeded to put a bandage around it.</p><p>‘I was just – I couldn’t even do it,’ Frank mumbled. ‘I was too afraid.’</p><p>‘I’m glad you were.’ Gerard hugged him closer, aware of his smell. A mixture of vomit and sweat. But he didn’t care.</p><p>They sat there in complete silence for a while, and Gerard felt like crying at the thought of losing Frank. ‘Don’t ever do that, okay?’</p><p>‘Okay,’ he heard Frank say against his chest.</p><p>When he’d calm down, Gerard helped him to his bed, but saw he had already thrown up there. ‘Let’s go to my room,’ he said. He let him borrow another shirt and some clean boxers, and turned his back on him to give him privacy. ‘I’ll clean tomorrow. Let’s watch a movie or something.’ He nodded to the other side of the bed, and Frank went to sit with him.</p><p>They sat in silence, watching Back to the Future. Gerard wanted to ask if he was doing okay, but he didn’t want to put any pressure on him. He’d talk when he was ready to talk. And just as Gerard was starting to doze off, he felt something brushing against his lips.</p><p>Not something.</p><p>Frank’s lips.</p><p>He opened his eyes quickly to find him right on top of him, looking rather surprised, before kissing him again. More out of instinct, Gerard kissed him back.</p><p>It felt warm.</p><p>It soon deepened, their tongues twisting against each other.</p><p>Frank tasted like vodka. Which was better than vomit, he thought.</p><p>Even though he was still half asleep, Gerard knew what was happening was very wrong. Not only Frank’s relationship wasn’t officially over as far as he knew, but he knew Frank was looking for a rebound. Frank wasn’t interested in him, he just wanted to forget about Bob for a minute, and fortunately for him, Gerard was there.</p><p>And just then, he felt Frank dry humping him, his hand going under his shirt, and he had to stop him. ‘I – I’m sorry, I can’t do this,’ Gerard said, taking Frank’s arm. ‘I’m sorry.’</p><p>‘I – no, I’m sorry.’ Frank sat up, and started crying again, and now Gerard was feeling even worse. He just had to go along with it, he thought. It wasn’t like he didn’t want it. But not this way. ‘I’m such a –’</p><p>Now he had to fix it. Gerard put his arms around the small man, and hugged him tight. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean it like that.’ It wasn’t the right time to come clean about thinking about fucking him. ‘I meant – this isn’t going to make you feel better, trust me. And I don’t know all the details, but wasn’t this what get you in trouble the first time?’ He hated himself for bringing that up.</p><p>‘Are you calling me a whore?’</p><p>‘Fuck, no! I’m sorry.’ He took a minute to think about the right words to say before screwing it up again. ‘What I mean is – you’re still hurt. And even if we were to do something, it’s not going to make any of this better. Trust me, I’ve been there.’ Frank just gave him puppy eyes. ‘And also, I don’t want you to think that the only way to be friends with me is by sleeping with me. I don’t work like that. I’m sincerely offering you my services as friend, and I promise I’ll help you until you get back on your feet.’ They sat in silence, and Gerard couldn’t help staring at him. His scruffy face looked adorable, and he was really hot under his nasty hair, so he pushed his hair back to see his eyes. ‘Can I ask you a question, and if you get offended, you’re free to tell me?’</p><p>Frank nodded.</p><p>‘Have you tried making friends without sleeping with them?’</p><p>Frank sat there, actually thinking for a minute, which was concerning. He just shrugged.</p><p>‘So you’re telling me all those people at your party – the ones you told me were your friends, you slept with them?’</p><p>‘Some of them.’</p><p>Gerard nodded. It just made him sad. The fact that he thought that was the only thing he had to offer. He just wanted to hug him and protect him. ‘You know you’re so much more than that, right? You have so much more to offer than just sex. People might want to be your friend just because you’re you and you don’t need to sleep with them?’</p><p>‘But people don’t like me.’</p><p>‘Don’t say that!’ Gerard hugged him again, and they stayed like that. ‘I like you. You’re so kind you have no fucking idea.  The fact you let me stay here without even paying you, and that even when I tried to pay you, you told me to fuck off.’</p><p>‘Because you’re Mikey’s bro.’</p><p>‘I could still be a creep or a murderer. But no, you gave me a chance and tried to be my friend. Nobody else has.’ There was a pause. ‘And I’m not saying I don’t want to sleep with you. But not like this. Not because you feel like shit. For now, let’s just be friends, okay?’</p><p>‘Okay.’</p><p>At some point, he noticed Frank falling asleep in his arms, so he just lay him down in the pillow, and cuddled next to him. He knew friends weren’t supposed to sleep like this. But this was different. He ran his hand through Frank’s greasy hair, seeing him sleep. He looked like an angel. A drunk angel he was falling for.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 05 sober</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gerard promised himself to help Frank get clean.</p><p>He knows it’s not up to him, neither is his responsibility. But he promised to be a friend, and that’s what friends do. He got rid of all the alcohol in the apartment, as well as all the drugs he could find in Frank’s drawers. He was surprised with what he found.</p><p>He forced him to take a shower. Frank gave him puppy eyes and told him to help him wash his hair, but Gerard knew it was a trick. ‘We’re just friends, remember?’</p><p>He invited Mikey to stay over a couple days, knowing they got along well. ‘What are you doing here?’ Frank asked surprised when he came through the door.</p><p>‘I had a couple days off at work, and thought I’d visit my brother,’ Mikey said. ‘Oh, and Gerard, too, I guess.’ Fortunately, Frank bought it. The real purpose of the visit was so he could take care of Frank while Gerard went off to work. They’d play video games all morning, and went to get Mikey a new bass. When Gerard got home, he’d cook something for them, and they’d sit and watch something. And Frank would always make his way next to Gerard, leaning his head on his shoulder. Gerard had noticed Frank was just like that, there wasn’t any sexual motive behind it, he just enjoyed Gerard’s company and friendship. Or at least, he liked to believe that.</p><p>One day Frank called him from the bathroom. ‘I need your help!’ When Gerard got there, Frank was smiling at him, holding an electric shaver. ‘I need you cut off my hair.’</p><p>‘What?’ Gerard said, surprised at the gesture. He really trusted him that much.</p><p>‘I’m done with this. I need a fresh start.’</p><p>‘Fine by me. How much?’ he asked grabbing the shaver.</p><p>‘All of it.’</p><p>‘For real?’</p><p>‘For real. But do it now before I regret it.’ So Gerard did as he was asked, leaving Frank with a shaved head, that looked kinda weird after only knowing him with his long hair, but now he could see his face all the time. ‘I like it,’ Gerard admitted, talking about his face, not the haircut.</p><p>‘Nice.’</p><p>The day after Mikey left, Gerard convinced Frank to go out to eat. He hadn’t gone out in days, so Gerard tried to cheer him up. They went to the vegan burrito joint down the street, and then for ice cream, and Gerard tried to get him to talk. ‘So – have you made plans to go to work? Or what are you doing?’</p><p>‘I don’t know. I don’t really wanna go back to that job.’</p><p>‘Why?’ Frank didn’t say anything, but it was clear something bothered him, so Gerard got the clue. ‘Oh! He works there?’</p><p>Frank nodded. ‘He helped me get the job when they kicked me out of the band.’</p><p>‘Did they – ’ In that moment he felt he didn’t know a lot about Frank, and made him feel like a bad friend.</p><p>Frank shook his head, struggling say whatever he was going to say. ‘Okay – so remember when I told you I met him when I was in that band? So during that tour, we hooked up. We thought it was nothing, we were both high, we thought we’d never see each other again. Then, a couple years later, my addiction got worse, and we had just recorded another album. That’s when we ran into each other, and it turns out we still liked each other, but he was still in the closet. But we’d get together, and you know – anyway, it got to the point where I couldn’t even play or stand straight for two minutes because of how my addiction was, so they kicked me out. And thanks to Bob, they hired me as a studio musician right away. So yeah –’</p><p>It kinda explained a lot about him.</p><p>‘Okay, I wish I give you another job,’ Gerard said. ‘But we can go job hunting if you want.’ Frank smiled at the thought.</p><p>‘At this point, I’d take whatever.’</p><p>Gerard helped him look online for jobs in the music business, while he emailed some people he knew. They spent all day having a friend date – Gerard literally mentioned it every other minute, emphasizing on the friend part. They went to a music store, and Frank applied there, too. They went to the movies, and stopped at the park to see a girl playing the saxophone. Frank said hi to every dog, and Gerard noticed how much he liked them. ‘We should totally get a dog.’</p><p>‘For real?’ Frank got all excited, and Gerard thought about surprising him with one. That’ll probably help him get sober, he thought.</p><p>They made it home, where Frank begged if he could sleep in Gerard’s bed again. ‘I’m not ready to sleep on my own yet.’</p><p>Gerard nodded, and Frank sat next to him. They kept their hands to themselves, even though Gerard wanted to kiss him so bad, but he knew Frank wasn’t ready yet. ‘Four days sober, huh?’ he said, and Frank just smiled proudly at that. ‘How does it feel?’</p><p>‘Better. But I’m not quite there yet.’</p><p>‘I know. But I’ll help you.’</p><p>Frank nods. ‘Can we talk? I know you said you’re my friend, and you’d be there for me, but I don’t know how to open up to others. I just wanna know it’s okay to tell you this, and that you won’t judge me.’</p><p>‘I won’t.’</p><p>‘Okay.’ He sits with his legs crossed, in front of Gerard. Very much like that other day. ‘It’s just that – I know I was the one who screwed up. I did sleep around, not just that day, but for a while.’</p><p>Gerard nods. He’s not surprised.</p><p>‘I just don’t want to make it seem like he hurt me or he left me, when it was all my fault. And I was the worst boyfriend.’</p><p>‘You’re not. There are worse people. But I’m glad you acknowledge your mistakes and own it. That says a lot about you.’</p><p>‘Is it bad that I want to apologize to him?’</p><p>Gerard tried to eat his pride. He knew they weren’t over, he knew one day he’d talk about him again. But he was hoping Frank would forget about him and maybe, just maybe make a move. But he did say they had to be friends first, so he’d be a friend. ‘No, it’s not. It’s actually mature of you.’</p><p>‘Just to apologize, you know. I don’t know if I’m ready to be with him again.’</p><p>‘Whatever it is you need, I’ll be here.’ <em>Even if you want me to go.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>For his one week anniversary of being sober, Gerard stopped at the grocery store to get him a cheesecake, and flowers. Not in a romantic way. He just wanted him to feel appreciated and cared for. But who knew? Maybe if the time was right, he’d dare to kiss him.</p><p>He opened the door to the apartment, already too excited for what may happen. ‘Frankie! I’m home! I have a surprise for you!’ But he didn’t see him. <em>He might be in his room, </em>he thought, so he went and opened the door to Frank’s room, only to find him under Bob while he fucked him.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck no.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>This can’t be happening.</em>
</p><p>Gerard looked at Frank, who looked only half conscious, before he noticed Gerard there, and got embarrassed.</p><p>‘What the fuck?’ Bob yells. ‘What the fuck are you doing in the room? Get out!’</p><p>‘Me? What the fuck are <em>you </em>doing here?’</p><p>‘He called me!’</p><p>
  <em>He did?</em>
</p><p>He did say he wanted to apologize. But he thought he didn’t want to be in a relationship with him again. Maybe he lied.</p><p>Gerard felt betrayed. He had done everything he could to keep him sober, and he’d do more. But it was clear Frank didn’t want to stay sober. He just wanted Bob.  </p><p>‘What the fuck, Frank? What the fuck?’ He didn’t have anything else to say. He cared too much for him, but it wasn’t enough, apparently. Frank looked back at him, his eyes distant, not really sure what was happening. Gerard then turned to Bob, crying. ‘He was sober for a whole week! You ruined everything!’</p><p>‘You really think it’s my fault he’s like this? Fuck you.’</p><p>Gerard gave up. It hurt to leave Frank like this, but he couldn’t do anything about it anymore. He just grabbed his stuff, put it back in his bags, and left the apartment.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 06 i miss you terribly</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gerard had thought about going home to New Jersey, but to be honest, he was tired as hell and he didn’t feel like crying in a cab or the train. So he walked to a hotel.</p><p>He thought it was way too expensive for a three-star hotel, but again, it was New York City after all. He just wanted to get in bed, and cry. He wanted a drink too, but it was hypocrite of him to be mad at Frank for breaking sobriety and then drinking. Maybe if he’d sleep with him, he wouldn’t have needed to call Bob. It’s not like he didn’t want to. It was all his fault in the end.</p><p>And he knew leaving him didn’t help either.</p><p>But what else was he supposed to do? See how Bob fucked him in the kitchen counter? Witness him destroy himself?</p><p>He cried himself to sleep, and woke up at two in the morning crying remembering the night he found Frank in the bathroom. He couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t leave him alone again.</p><p>Unable to go back to sleep, he went out for a walk. After thirty minutes, he ended up at a random bar.</p><p><em>Fuck it, </em>he thought. He didn’t care anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.</p><p>The only thing he cared about anymore was Frank. He didn’t know why but that motherfucker became the most important thing in his life, and Gerard had screwed it up so bad. If something happened to Frank, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself.</p><p>A group of girls stood close to Gerard, until one of them finally dared to get close and flirt with him. And for a second, he considered it. He actually considered taking her to the restroom. But that wouldn’t be fair to her, and he’d still be thinking about Frank. Heck, that only reminded him of Frank even more.</p><p>Instead, he kept walking until he was outside Frank’s apartment building.</p><p>And he did think about going upstairs and knocking on his door and taking him away. He hoped he’d at least looked outside his window. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen.</p><p>So he went back to the hotel, and straight to bed.</p><p>He tried calling Frank in the morning, and later in the afternoon, and twice more later. He never answered. He just hoped it was because he was pissed off at him for not saving him, which he deserved.</p><p>He then called again the next day, and the next.</p><p>He thought about paying a visit but thought twice about it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Frank knew he had screwed it up.</p><p>He was more than aware.</p><p>He knew Gerard really cared for him, even if it was just as friends, but he cared more than anyone ever did. No one had done so much to keep him sober. And yet, there he was, sneaking out to the liquor store as soon as Gerard left for work.</p><p>And he sat there, staring at the bottle of vodka for the longest time, knowing the moment it touched his lips, it was the end of everything. Not only his sobriety, but his friendship with Gerard, and what could possibly the first time he was happy.</p><p>He almost considered throwing it away.</p><p>But he was missing Bob, and he hated himself for what he did, and for losing him, and losing Gerard, and his job.</p><p>Next thing he knew, the bottle was almost empty, and he felt even worse.</p><p>It hadn’t helped one bit.</p><p>He reached for his phone to call Gerard and apologize for what he did, but he knew he’d be disappointed in him, so instead he called Bob. ‘I’m so stupid, I’m sorry,’ he cried. Bob told him that he wasn’t stupid, and that he missed him too. Frank kept crying, telling him he was alone, and he wanted to see him, so Bob went to the apartment as fast as he could.</p><p>They didn’t even talk. Frank threw himself at Bob and started kissing him, and one thing led to the next, and soon Bob was on top of him on the couch, his hand on Frank’s cock.</p><p>Then they were snorting Coke – which Bob had brought as a gift –. When they made it to their bed, Frank begged him to fuck him like only he knew how. And then Gerard was there, and he looked so disappointed in him, he wanted to crawl in bed and kill himself.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t remember a lot of that night now. He had woken up to the news that Gerard left with his stuff, and a missed call from him.</p><p>And the only way to numb how bad he felt, was by drinking more.</p><p>Bob tried to comfort him, but it didn’t work. They got high and fucked all day, but that wasn’t enough to keep Frank from crying.</p><p>He was feeling good for once and he ruined it.</p><p>He locked himself in the bathroom, a razor in hand and almost put it to use, but remembered Gerard wasn’t there to save him, and Bob couldn’t give a fuck, so instead, he started to cry.</p><p>The next day was almost the same.</p><p>He was feeling worse and worse every day, and didn’t see the point of going on. When Bob was there, they’d fuck all the time to keep his mind occupied. When he was alone, he’d drink himself to sleep.</p><p>He woke up on his couch, completely naked, and sweating, and Bob was nowhere to be found. Frank had no idea how long it’d been, he just knew his head was playing games on him and he got scared.</p><p>He thought he was delirious and Gerard had come and looked for him, but it wasn’t a dream. There was another knock on the door. ‘Frank, I know you’re there! Open the door!’</p><p>It took him another minute to get up and walk to the door.</p><p>He couldn’t believe what he saw.</p><p>Gerard was even drunker than him, and smelled like he had pissed himself. ‘I’m so sorry,’ Gerard said, walking closer, and putting his hands around Frank, who was still very naked. ‘I’m so sorry – I shouldn’t have left. You needed me, and I just left you here.’</p><p>Frank wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t his responsibility. ‘I missed you,’ was all he managed to say before pushing his lips against Gerard, who didn’t pull away this time. Frank helped him to take off his nasty clothes, and pulled him to the couch. They were both very intoxicated to have full control of their own bodies, but Frank took charge. He kissed every bit of skin, left a bite here, and another one there, and licked his stomach, until he got to his member and took it all in his mouth.</p><p>They jerked each other off, and then Gerard begged him to fuck him in the ass.</p><p>‘I should have let you done this that night,’ Gerard said once they were in what used to be his bed just days prior. ‘I could have saved you.’</p><p>‘You did save me.’</p><p>‘But then you just –’</p><p>‘But that’s not your fault.’ They didn’t say anything for a minute, pressing their foreheads against each other. ‘You can come back if you want,’ Frank said.</p><p>‘I don’t want to make it weird between you and Bob.’</p><p>‘You wouldn’t. I think we’re better off.’</p><p>‘But I don’t want to cause another scene and get you in trouble. It’s best if I go back to the hotel tonight, and come back once you’ve talked to him.’</p><p>Frank considered it. ‘But we’re still friends?’</p><p>Gerard chuckled. ‘I guess so.’ They both got back in his clothes, and Gerard gave him one last kiss, lingering on his lower lip a little longer.</p><p>‘I’m gonna sober up, I promise.’</p><p>‘I hope so.’</p><p>‘I’ll call you tomorrow?’</p><p>‘That would be great.’ And with that Gerard walked out, and Frank smiled to himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. 07 addicted to screwing up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Frank had been impatiently waiting for Bob for hours, pacing around. He had already cleaned the entire apartment, taken a shower, and now he was just going crazy thinking about how to bring up the news to his boyfriend.</p><p>They weren’t the kind of couple to talk. About anything.</p><p>Their relationship was based purely on sex and addiction. Frank had never really asked him to move in with him, it just happened. And he was glad.</p><p>Despite everything, Bob was a good boyfriend. He always tended to Frank’s needs, and even got him a job. He just wished he could be the kind of boyfriend to go on dates with sometimes. Talk until two a.m. and watch movies together. He didn’t even know what kind of movies Bob liked.</p><p>Suddenly, there was the sound of keys outside his door. He pretended he was watching a movie. ‘Hey, babe,’ he said, biting his nails, trying to hide his nervousness. ‘How did it go?’ He didn’t ask that often because he was usually too stoned when Bob made it home. But not today.</p><p>‘Awful,’ Bob answered, throwing away his jacket on the couch, and getting closer to Frank to play with the hem of his boxers. ‘They’re not done with the tracks yet. It might take another week at least, and I’m done with them!’</p><p>Frank nodded, already getting hard from the way Bob was licking him. ‘Can we talk?’ he asked.</p><p>‘About? What happened?’ Bob sat up immediately. His scared expression made Frank feel horrible. He didn’t want to hurt him.</p><p>‘Nothing – I just like this. You know? Acting like a real couple.’</p><p>‘Isn’t that what we are?’</p><p>‘Yes. But I mean this, asking about your day, talking about our lives, or whatever you want to talk about – going out to eat? I don’t know.’</p><p>‘You really want that?’</p><p>‘I do.’</p><p>Bob leaned in to rest on Frank’s chest, staring into his hazel eyes. ‘You’re not drunk?’ Frank shook his head. ‘You haven’t had anything?’</p><p>‘Nope.’</p><p>‘That’s good, I guess. I rarely see you like this.’</p><p>‘I like it too.’ There was a long heavy silence. Frank stroke Bob’s hair, and then his hands ran through his face playfully. ‘You know I love you, right? And I don’t want you to think it’s only intoxicated me saying that.’</p><p>‘I know that’s not the case.’ He took Frank’s hand in his, their fingers intertwined. ‘This is nice.’</p><p>Frank knew he had to talk about Gerard, but he wasn’t ready yet. ‘You think we can just do couple stuff today?’ he begged. ‘Keep me distracted from drinking and everything, okay?’</p><p>‘I like that.’ So they cuddled in the couch, their clothes still on, watching Stranger Things. Bob planted kisses all over Frank’s skin every few minutes, trying to get more intimate, but Frank would stop him. They walked to a burger joint a block away, wearing sweatpants and holding hands in public just to get fries and milkshakes. Back at home, they eat some leftover cake they had, talking more. ‘We should do this more often,’ Bob said.</p><p>Frank took a piece of cake and smeared it on Bob’s face. ‘I agree.’ He licked it off his face, and then kissed him, cake still in his mouth. That led to them taking off their shirts, and Bob going down on him. Frank had never felt like this before. Having Bob sucking him while being sober, completely aware of how it felt, every sense awake. He didn’t want to ruin it. When Bob was inside him, he was sure they had never been that intimate. With his arms around Bob’s neck, pushing his hips up, panting into his mouth, he told him he loved him.</p><p>They went to bed, not bothering to put on any clothes, and just lay there. ‘Thanks for today,’ Frank said. ‘For talking to me, and helping me.’</p><p>‘You know I would do anything you asked me.’</p><p>Frank turned to face him. He felt incredibly guilty for what he had done with Gerard, but at the same time, the thought of Gerard brought a smile to his face. He was confused, and without the alcohol to numb his thoughts, it was even worse. He wasn’t sure how long it was going to work. ‘I have something to tell you,’ Frank said, his stomach turning. ‘I called Gerard.’ He decided not to tell him the whole truth. He didn’t want to lose him again. ‘Just to apologize. I was a horrible friend after he tried to help me to get sober, and thinking you’d never come back, he tried to be a friend.’ Bob looked sad, and it made Frank hate himself. ‘Not like that. He threw away all the alcohol and cooked for me. And –’ Frank knew there were things he had to tell him if he wanted the relationship to work. ‘I cut myself. It wasn’t that bad, but who knows what would happen if Gerard wasn’t there.’ Bob nodded. ‘He saved me. And I pushed him away. And now he’s living in a hotel, and I feel awful because it’s my fault.’</p><p>‘I understand.’</p><p>‘I told him he could move back in.’</p><p>‘It’s okay.’ Bob gave him a tender kiss. ‘It’s your apartment, anyway.’ They fell asleep soon after, their arms wrapped around each other.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Frank called Gerard as soon as Bob left for work to check on him, and couldn’t help telling him. ‘You can move in whenever you want.’ Which Gerard did.</p><p>That night, he took his bags and moved in. When he got there, he found Bob was already home, and they were having dinner. Frank knew it was uncomfortable for both of them, and he wanted to kiss Gerard so bad, but he had to wait. ‘Come and sit with us,’ Frank said, casual as always.</p><p>‘I’m good, thanks. I just had dinner.’ He locked himself in his room for the rest of the night, and Frank pretended it didn’t hurt.</p><p>He knew things were awkward between and Bob, and he wanted to fix that but it was hard when he wanted to fuck both of them, and he cared about both of them. And he knew it’d take time.</p><p>The next morning, when Bob went to work, he waited for Gerard to come out of the bathroom to talk to him, but when he finally did, Frank couldn’t help walking up to him and kissing him. Gerard’s hands fell on the sides of Frank’s stomach, but he pulled away a second later. ‘This is wrong, Frank. I know what you’re doing. And I don’t know if I want to be part of it.’</p><p>‘But –’</p><p>‘I’m sorry. And I’ll pay you rent this time, as soon as I get my paycheck.’ Frank tried to say something but Gerard had already closed his door behind him.</p><p>Things were just as awkward for the next week. Frank trying to at least talk to Gerard, and him avoiding Frank. Frank was starting to crave alcohol again, and he knew it would just get worse as soon as Bob left for tour in a couple days. Their relationship was just getting better, they were getting closer, and he was sober. He didn’t want to ruin it.</p><p>He had started to write poetry again to let it all out.</p><p>But the tension was worse every day.</p><p>He had planned a going away party for Bob, mainly to keep his mind off. Just their closest friends. Frank even wore sweatpants and a t-shirt. He knew Bob would be there, so he wouldn’t be flirting with anyone else.</p><p>Well, just Gerard, who was talking to the same girl from the last party, having a drink, but would look at him every now and then. He knew he was keeping an eye on him, to check if he was drinking, but he also saw him staring as Frank pushed his tongue inside Bob’s throat, and he enjoyed it.</p><p>Frank could see him gulping.</p><p>What Frank wasn’t expecting was Gerard walking up to him later that night, drunk as fuck, and pressing his lips against his. In front of everyone.</p><p>Including Bob.</p><p>Frank didn’t pull away, though. He got what he wanted.</p><p>He enjoyed savoring Gerard’s mouth, intoxicating him with alcohol breath. He knew that would make him relapse, but in that moment he was more addicted to Gerard than anything.</p><p>‘What the hell?!’ he heard Bob said. When he turned around, it was too late. Bob’s fist connected to Gerard’s eye, sending him to the floor, and Frank, not knowing what to do threw a punch at Bob.</p><p>Seeing the scene, the guests started leaving, and then it was just the three of them.</p><p>‘I’m sorry,’ Frank said, tears already running down his face. He walked up to Bob, and kissed him. ‘I keep ruining everything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’</p><p>‘We can’t keep doing this, Frankie. It’s a good thing I was leaving anyway.’ He went to the room to pack his stuff, and left the apartment.</p><p>Frank gave a bag of frozen peas to Gerard, and locked himself in his room with a bottle of vodka. He just wanted to be numb again.</p><p>Maybe it was better this way.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. 08 it'll get better</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Frank had been drinking again, but it wasn’t enough to numb the pain.</p><p>He had screwed it all up. His sobriety, his longest relationship and possibly the only friend he had. He knew he couldn’t do it sober, and started considering what he couldn’t do just weeks ago.</p><p>It would be the best for everyone.</p><p>No one would miss him.</p><p>He was sure that was what everyone wanted, including himself. There was no point in hurting any more people.</p><p>If only he was brave enough.</p><p>He was planning on drinking until he got the courage or his body finally shut down.</p><p>Then, his door opened. It was Gerard, who else?</p><p>Swollen cheek and black eye, he came in the room, and found Frank in bed, sobbing. ‘Are you okay?’</p><p>‘Does it look like I’m okay?’ Frank mumbled.</p><p>‘I’m so sorry.’ Frank noticed Gerard was crying already. ‘I just needed to apologize. I shouldn’t have done –’</p><p>Frank interrupts him. ‘No. It wasn’t your fault. I flirted with you since you came back, and I provoked you. You didn’t have a boyfriend or whatever, I did. And I fucking ruined it.’</p><p>‘Still – I shouldn’t have.’</p><p>‘Stop apologizing! It was all me!’</p><p>And then, he was crying again, and Gerard had no choice but to sit with him and comfort him. The moment his arms were around Frank, he leaned in his chest, his tears falling on his shirt. ‘It’s okay, it’s going to be okay,’ Gerard assured him.</p><p>‘No. I screwed it up. I fucked it all up! I don’t even know why you’re here!’ He started yelling at him. ‘WHY ARE YOU HERE?! IT’S MY FAULT YOU HAVE A BLACK EYE!’</p><p>‘Can you fucking stop it?!’ Gerard yelled back, grabbing him by the arms, and staring straight in his eyes. ‘It’s not your fault! I was an idiot for kissing you in front of your boyfriend!’</p><p>‘And I was the idiot who was trying to get you to kiss me! And now I don’t have a boyfriend, and I miss him, and –’ He couldn’t finish the sentence because he started sobbing again. Gerard has to hold him to keep him from falling, and just let him cry until he falls asleep.</p><p>Once he was sound asleep, Gerard tried to get up to go back to his own bed, but Frank pulled his arm. ‘No – please stay with me tonight.’</p><p>And he had no choice but to stay.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The following morning, Gerard called in sick to work. He didn’t want to show up with a black eye, and a hangover. But most importantly, he didn’t want to leave Frank alone.</p><p>He got up to have coffee ready, and take a shower before Frank woke up. Seeing as he was still in bed, he made breakfast for him – bagels with cream cheese and fruit – and the biggest cup of coffee.</p><p>The second Frank woke up and saw Gerard there, he frowned. ‘I’m sorry about your face,’ he said.</p><p>‘Stop apologizing.’</p><p>He handed him the tray of food, and sat next to him to make sure he ate. They watched a movie, and Gerard let him cry on his shoulder, just like he had done before. ‘Is that offer to be friends still up?’ Frank asked.</p><p>‘You know you don’t even have to ask.’ He put an arm around Frank to hug him.</p><p>‘Thank you. I might need it.’ He looked up at Gerard. ‘I’m admitting myself into rehab.’</p><p>Gerard didn’t know what to say.</p><p>‘I can’t do this alone.’</p><p>‘I’m glad you’re asking for help.’ He was. He wanted to see him healthy and happy more than anything, even though he’d miss him.</p><p>Frank let go of Gerard’s arms to run to the bathroom and throw up. He did several times throughout the day, and Gerard sat next to him afterwards to watch movies and listen to music or just sit in silence.</p><p>The following morning, Frank was already calling the rehab center when Gerard woke up, and they hugged for the longest time, while Frank cried. He’d be leaving the next day, and stay there for at least two weeks. He called his parents to let them know, and started packing his stuff.</p><p>Gerard drove him to the center early in the morning. It was a couple hours away, somewhere north of New York, so they made the best of those two hours. ‘You can stay at the apartment all you need,’ Frank assured him. When they got there, Frank checked in and went to say goodbye to Gerard before getting admitted. ‘I guess we’ll see each other later,’ Frank said with a smile. It was sad, but it was genuine. ‘I’m gonna miss you.’</p><p>‘I’m gonna miss you too,’ Gerard told him. ‘But it’ll be for the best.’</p><p>‘I’ll be calling you every day. You know, to keep you updated.’</p><p>‘And I’ll be waiting for your call.’ There was a long pause. ‘Can I visit you too?’</p><p>That caught Frank by surprise. ‘I wouldn’t ask you to. Are you sure?’</p><p>‘Of course.’ He hugged Frank one last time. ‘It’ll get better, okay?’</p><p>‘I know.’</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. 09 nice to see you again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gerard woke up early that day.</p><p>Mikey would be coming over at eight to give him a ride to the rehab center where Frank was. It had been a week since he admitted himself, and he couldn’t wait to see him again. As promised, Frank had called him every day. He’d mostly complain about the therapists, and the other patients, and Gerard noticed he sounded happier, but he also knew he was good at pretending.</p><p>The ride there, deep in the woods near the Canada border, was over two hours, in which Gerard wouldn’t shut up, anxiously wondering if Frank still liked him, if the staff would let him see him since he wasn’t related to him.</p><p>To his surprise, Frank had already added him to his list of visitors, so it was no big deal. Someone took him to the big common room in the back, which had the best view he’d ever seen of the woods and the mountains far ahead, and told him to sit at one of the tables and wait there.</p><p>Two minutes later, out of one of the door, Frank came out.</p><p>He was wearing a cardigan and tight jeans, which was weird to Gerard since he was usually naked or just boxers at home. And despite the smile on his face, Gerard noticed he didn’t shine as usual.</p><p>Even at his lowest, when he was drunk and high as hell, Frank’s sparkly personality would always be loud.</p><p>Today, he looked almost dead.</p><p>‘Hey –,’ Frank said, smiling.</p><p>Gerard knew how forced that smile was, and wonder how bad he was doing. ‘Hey.’</p><p>There was a long silence, in which they couldn’t even look at each other. Yet, Frank reached for Gerard’s hand. ‘I missed you,’ Frank says, and Gerard notices tears rolling down. ‘You have no idea –’ and then he was crying on Gerard’s shoulder.</p><p>‘I missed you, too.’</p><p>When Frank has finally calmed down, Gerard takes his hand again and tries to change the subject. ‘It’s a nice place. I didn’t know you could afford this.’</p><p>‘I can’t. My former boss paid it. He said he was worried about me. This is where they send the A-list celebrities.’</p><p>‘Wow! So you’re a big deal now?’ Frank smiled, and that was enough for Gerard. He would do anything and everything to make Frank smile. ‘So tell me – what have you done while in here? You have friends?’</p><p>‘Are you fucking serious? You know I hate it here!’ Gerard noticed Frank staring at his lips the whole time. ‘Besides, I’m mostly having all these side effects because of the detox, and I feel horrible, so I can’t really enjoy anything.’</p><p>‘But it’s working?’</p><p>‘If by working, you mean I feel like shit, then yeah.’ He paused for a second. ‘But I’ve started writing again. That helps a little.’</p><p>‘I’m glad. Will you let me read one day?’</p><p>‘Maybe?’</p><p>Frank convinced the staff to let them take a walk around the backyard, to show Gerard the dogs and the pond. ‘You guys have dogs?! You should be so excited!’</p><p>‘That’s literally the only good thing about this place.’ The facility had their own dog kennel, which served as therapy for the patients, and Frank mentioned that’s where he spent most of his time. They sat there, surrounded by dogs, and Gerard told him about the new comic he was working on. ‘I might be able to get some advance copies in the next weeks. I’ll make sure you get the first one,’ he told Frank.</p><p>‘For real?’ There was a long pause.</p><p>They left the kennel to walk around the backyard, which was miles and miles of forest, and Frank took Gerard’s hand in his, as if it was the most natural thing. Gerard chose not to say anything, afraid of the reaction he might have, and well, he liked it too.</p><p>They talked about Mikey, and the TV show reruns Frank had been watching while in there. Gerard told him he had brought some books for him that he left upstairs. ‘Thanks! That’s the best thing you could ever tell me!’ Frank said. ‘I finished all of mine, and I don’t like their selection.’</p><p>They sat by the pond, not saying anything, just throwing rocks like two six-year-olds.</p><p>‘How much longer are you staying here?’ Gerard asked once inside. Visiting hours were almost over, and he would have to leave at any moment.</p><p>‘I don’t know. Two weeks maybe. It depends on what the therapist thinks.’</p><p>‘What matters is that you get better.’</p><p>Frank nodded. ‘Can you promise me something?’ Gerard looked up. ‘That you’ll be there when I go out? That you’ll be there for me, and give me a chance?’ Gerard was confused about what he was talking about but then Frank was leaning in and kissing him.</p><p>It wasn’t hard to guess.</p><p>The kiss was short, and with closed lips. Yet, it sent electricity through his entire body, and he knew it was too late. He had already fallen for Frank.</p><p>‘I’ll always be there for you,’ Gerard said. ‘Always.’</p><p>‘You know what I mean.’ Gerard hesitated to give an answer, so Frank continued. ‘Please. I need to know you’re waiting for me outside, that there’s something good waiting for me to not give up.’</p><p>He knew they both needed a lot of time to work on themselves before they could consider getting together. They were both broken in their own way, and though it was clear they both liked each other, it wasn’t the best idea when they still had a lot to work on. But if that was what he needed to get better, then he’ll give him that. ‘I promise.’</p><p>Frank couldn’t help crying happy tears, throwing himself at Gerard and hugging him. ‘Thanks for being in my life.’</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. 10 home sweet home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘Hey, you,’ Frank said when he saw Gerard waiting outside the rehab center.</p><p>Frank looked better. His hair was getting longer and messy, and gaining weight. But the best part was that he was smiling, Gerard thought. ‘Hey, you!’ He put his arms around Frank, holding him tight. ‘I missed you.’</p><p>‘I missed you, too.’</p><p>‘Let’s go then.’ Gerard helped him with his bags, and they got in the car. Frank chose the playlist, so it was mainly Misfits, but Gerard was okay with it.</p><p>Frank stared at the window for most of the drive, looking distant, which was understandable. Gerard knew he was better now that he was clean, but it wasn’t easy, and he’d have to get used to it.</p><p>But again, Gerard was too anxious about the promise he made Frank.</p><p>He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it for the past two weeks. That’s what made this homecoming even more exciting – scary. He had promised to give whatever they had a chance. It wasn’t like he didn’t like him or wanted to kiss him and cuddle next to him. Because that was all he wanted. But more than anything, he wanted to take care of Frank, make him feel loved.</p><p>When he looked at him, Frank was already fast asleep in the passenger seat.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They were halfway there, when they got hungry.</p><p>Gerard drove around the tiny town they were in, and saw a sign for a vegan diner in the middle of a strip mall, so he made a stop. Frank was still sleepy after his nap. Gerard gave him a hug before walking in, just because he looked too adorable.</p><p>They both ordered vegan mac &amp; cheese and burgers. Gerard tried to start a conversation, but he didn’t know what to talk about. He knew Frank hated it in there, and he’d probably not want to talk about it. ‘So –,’ Gerard started.</p><p>‘It’s okay,’ Frank interrupted. ‘We can talk about it. I just came out of rehab, it’s not something we can’t just ignore.’ Gerard nodded. ‘So ask whatever you want.’</p><p>‘How was it?’</p><p>‘It got better with time. After the detox, and once my head was done playing tricks on me, it was easier to put up with. And there were the dogs.’</p><p>‘So you’re better?’</p><p>‘I think so. Yeah. It’s going to take time.’</p><p>Gerard reached for his hand. ‘I’m here for you.’</p><p>‘I really appreciate it.’ There was a long pause. Frank still looked serious, and was thinking his words carefully. ‘That thing I said – about you and me –’</p><p>Gerard suddenly got scared he’d regret it. Now that he’d think about it for two weeks, he realized he wanted it too.</p><p>‘We – don’t have to – ,’ Frank continued. ‘I mean, I know it was a little insensitive.’</p><p>‘You don’t want it then?’</p><p>‘Of course I do. But I’ve caused too much damage. To myself, to Bob, to you. I don’t want to be that person anymore.’</p><p>‘You are not. It was complicated in all parts.’</p><p>‘<em>I </em>made it complicated.’</p><p>He was right, Gerard knew. But he wanted to make things right. ‘What do you think about taking things slowly?’ he asked. ‘Holding hands. Getting to know each other. I feel like we don’t know each other well.’</p><p>‘I like that.’ So, for the next hour, they talked about their favorite colors, TV shows, the schools they went to, and what they were scared of. They laughed, slapped each other playfully, and asked each other questions. Just like a first date.</p><p>Back in the car, before Gerard started the engine, Frank kissed him on the cheek, and took his hand.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When they made it home, Frank almost felt like it wasn’t his apartment.</p><p>It was clean, for one. Immaculate. Gerard had even taken the liberty to rearrange some furniture, to make it seem like a different place, and bought a new couch. The old one brought memories not only to Frank, but him too.</p><p>He obviously threw away every bottle of alcohol he found, and went through Frank’s drawers to look for drugs. It was all for his best.</p><p>‘Thank you,’ Frank said, almost in a whisper, and hugged him.</p><p>‘Anytime.’ Gerard kissed his forehead, and left the bags aside.</p><p>Frank still looked like he was sad, so Gerard showed him his next surprise. ‘I bought a couple DVDs, so we’re having a Disney marathon, and I got ice cream, and popcorn.’ They watched toy Story, and shared kisses in between. It was different and new for both of them.</p><p>When it was time to sleep, Frank walked in his room, and then back out. ‘I don’t think I can do it. Can I sleep in your room?’</p><p>Gerard knew he’d say that. Gosh, he was hoping he would. ‘Of course.’</p><p>They both lay in the bed, wearing sweatpants and t-shirts, and didn’t say anything for a while. They said they wanted to take it slowly, and sleeping in the same bed after their first date wasn’t slow. ‘I just –,’ Frank said. ‘Back in rehab. I couldn’t sleep. I’m not used to sleeping alone. Never have. There was always someone or maybe I was too drunk to care. But sober, never. It scares me.’</p><p>‘I’m here.’ He reached for his hand.</p><p>‘I know.’ He turned to his side, looking at Gerard. ‘Why are you so good to me?’</p><p>‘Because – you’re a nice guy. You let me in your home. I’ve told you.’</p><p>‘I’m not a nice guy.’</p><p>‘I don’t believe that for a second.’</p><p>Frank flipped him off. ‘What about now?’</p><p>Gerard shook his head. ‘You’re just hurt.’</p><p>Frank was still looking at him as if he was the most precious thing ever. He caressed his face, his neck. He leaned in for a kiss, his lips lingering on Gerard’s for a while, savoring him as if it was the first time. ‘God – I fucking like you,’ he said as he pulled apart. ‘It’s not my drunk brain. It’s me. From my head to my middle finger, I really think I like you.’</p><p>Gerard kissed him again. ‘You’re so fucking corny.’</p><p>‘I’m a fucking poet, you idiot.’</p><p>‘I like that, to be honest.’</p><p>‘I’d say my dick likes you too, but we haven’t tried that yet.’</p><p>‘Frank – what about going slow?’</p><p>‘I know, we are.’ Yet, he got on top of Gerard, a leg on each side of his torso, and started rubbing his bulge against Gerard’s. ‘Remember being young and having your first boyfriend or whatever? And getting off this because that was as far as you could get?’</p><p>Gerard laughs. ‘I like this.’</p><p>‘Me too.’ They made out for a little while, clothes on all the time, just getting off the friction of their pajama pants, laughing at how absurd it was.</p><p>‘I wish I could stay here for the rest of my life,’ Frank said, cuddling in Gerard’s arms. ‘Safe.’</p><p>‘Me too.’</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. 11 feelings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Recovery wasn’t easy.</p><p>Frank knew it would take a long time to get his shit together. But at least he had Gerard, and he made things a lot easier.</p><p>Every morning, when he woke up – in the mornings, he actually felt like getting up from bed – breakfast was ready. Gerard made sure he ate, and took his meds, and took care of him. He drove him to his therapist and his AA meetings. He made sure he took a shower every day, and that he was overall okay.</p><p>Though most days, Frank still felt like shit.</p><p>It wasn’t just the withdrawal, though he knew that made everything worse. He hadn’t been this sober since high school. But he missed Bob, and he felt like shit for what he did. And he felt useless not having a job. His boss at the record label promised him an office position, at least for the time being. He didn’t think it was safe for Frank to be on tour or around other people who did drugs all the time. But Frank didn’t feel ready to go back to work either. </p><p>He felt empty.</p><p>His head was crowded with thoughts, but they were all cloudy and he couldn’t make sense of anything. And his feelings – fuck, that was even harder to recognize. Gerard had given him a leather journal, since he had started writing a lot more. So that helped.</p><p>He would write anything that came to mind. Maybe if he wrote it down it’d be easier to identify or find a meaning to it. But most of the time it was just doodles and scribbles that he couldn’t even understand.</p><p>He just wanted to cry, and scream.</p><p>And maybe have a bit of vodka.</p><p>He hated himself for thinking that.</p><p>‘Are you crying, Frankie?’ Gerard asked when he found him in bed. He pulled him by the shoulders to take a look at him, just to make sure he wasn’t drunk. He wasn’t. But he <em>was </em>crying.</p><p>‘I’m okay.’</p><p>‘It’s okay if you’re not. Just tell me.’</p><p>‘But –’</p><p>‘Frank, I want to help you, but I don’t know how to if you don’t tell me.’</p><p>‘That’s the thing, Gee!’ he yelled. ‘I don’t know how I feel anymore! I can’t feel anything!’</p><p>‘Come here –,’ and then he put his arms around Frank and let him cry as long as he wanted to. He sobbed on Gerard’s shoulder for the longest time, and then Gerard could feel him breathing against his neck, his hand going down his spine until it reached his lower back and the inside of his pants.</p><p>Gerard wanted to stopped him. He knew it was wrong to do it right now, but he’d been wanting this for the longest time, thinking about Frank, and now Frank was licking his neck and moaning, and he couldn’t help it. He was getting hard.</p><p>And Frank noticed his reaction, which brought a smile to his face.</p><p>There was no point denying it. Gerard knew he wanted it, and then it was too late because Frank’s hand went in his underwear and took his cock, squeezing it and pumping it, as they breathed in each other’s mouths. Gerard thrusted his hips against him, begging for more.</p><p>Soon, shirts were off, and Frank pushed Gerard to the bed, kissing him hard, biting his lower lip and pushing his tongue down his throat. Pants and underwear disappeared soon after, without even breaking the kiss.</p><p>Frank was rough, pulling so hard it felt he wanted to cause pain, and though Gerard liked it at first, he had to stop him. ‘Gentle, okay?’ he said to Frank, who just nodded, but gave a confused look. ‘Let me show you.’</p><p>They switched places, Gerard pushing him on his back, and once Frank was under him, he started kissing him tenderly, with such care and caution, but making sure Frank was getting off every touch and brush of his lips. ‘Love can be gentle, you know?’ he said, knowing Frank probably never had that kind of experience. So he made sure he knew how to do it.</p><p>He filled every bit of his tattooed skin with kisses, from his jaw to the sparrows on each side of his stomach, and then kept going. He licked his thighs, hearing Frank moan loudly, and then took his member, from the tip to the base, slowly. He had him coming immediately, and then he continued by putting his fingers inside him, one by one, stretching him, and lubing his entrance to get him ready.</p><p>He was careful with his thrusts, or at least he tried, until Frank yelled for more. ‘I love you,’ he said without even knowing, between pants, as he licked his scorpion tattoo. But he meant it.</p><p>‘I love everything about you,’ he continued, as he came inside him. ‘I fucking love you, and I’m going to keep you safe, and make you feel loved every single day.’</p><p>Frank pulled him to kiss him, and then said, ‘I love you too.’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Gerard knew what would make Frank feel a lot better.</p><p>He’d been thinking about it all day, having seen an ad online, so after breakfast, he told Frank to get ready. ‘Where are we going?’ he asked.</p><p>‘Just get ready. It’s a surprise.’</p><p>Frank did as he was told, and they walked three blocks to a shelter. ‘No way,’ Frank said, the biggest smile on his face. Gerard didn’t say anything and just opened the door for him.</p><p>They saw all the puppies and cats – though Frank wanted a dog – until they met one of the youngest arrivals. A two month old black lab with the cutest puppy eyes ever. ‘This one! She’s mine!’ Frank said. When they signed the adoption papers, Gerard turned to him to let him choose the name. ‘Pansy,’ he said with a smile.</p><p>They took Pansy home, and Gerard could see Frank was feeling better already.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. 12 getting better</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘So, Frank –’ his therapist, Dr. Perez asked. ‘How are you feeling?’</p><p>He did his best to fake a smile, but it was getting harder and harder. Also, nothing against Dr. Perez, but he hated psychiatrists and any kind of therapist. He just thought they were fake, and their job was to keep people medicated and numb, not help them. He knew that no matter how many times he talked to her, or anyone, he’d still feel like shit and on the verge of running away to get shitfaced. ‘I don’t know,’ he said, trying to be honest.</p><p>‘You don’t know?’</p><p>‘Yeah – I don’t know. Like I should be happy because I just got the cutest dog in the planet, and I’m sober, and I have a great boyfriend for once, but I still feel numb most of the time, and like I need to be drunk to feel something.’ He didn’t know why he was telling her all this, but he just needed to let it out. He couldn’t talk to Gerard about this kind of stuff without worrying him. ‘I just – there are so many things in my head and I can’t –’ He hated not knowing how to recognize his own feelings. Sometimes it was all too much, he’d start crying out of nowhere. Sometimes, even if it got so bad, he couldn’t feel anything. He just wanted to understand.</p><p>At that very moment, he felt like he couldn’t breathe and everything was going fast around him, and his head was about to explode. He was having an anxiety attack.</p><p>He hadn’t had one of those since high school, before he started drinking and using heavy drugs. They helped him for so long. But not anymore.</p><p>He had forgotten how bad they got.</p><p>Dr. Perez helped him through it, telling him to take deep breaths. ‘Breathe in, breathe out,’ she said. When he started to calm down, she said. ‘Frank, I need you to look around and tell me five things you see.’</p><p>Frank nodded. ‘Pen… bookcase…’ He paused. ‘Folder… tissues… door.’</p><p>‘Good.’</p><p>It had helped him, but he would never admit that.</p><p>‘Let’s talk about something else,’ Dr. Perez said. ‘What do you want to talk about?’</p><p>He shrugged.</p><p>‘What about your dog? What’s his name?’</p><p>That brought a smile to his face. ‘It’s a girl. Her name’s Pansy, and she’s a black lab.’</p><p>‘I love her name.’</p><p>‘Yeah – my boyfriend got her for me, to help me.’</p><p>‘He seems a nice boyfriend. What’s his name?’</p><p>‘Gerard. He’s the best. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve him.’</p><p>‘Why would you say that? If he’s trying to help you, and he got you a dog, I’m sure he cares about you a lot.’</p><p>‘He does, but the way we met, and how it started. I hurt him, and I hurt the guy I was with back then, and I didn’t stop until I ruined everything.’ Dr. Perez didn’t say anything and just waited for him to continue. He told him everything. How they met, cheating on Bob with him, and Bob leaving him and then coming back when Frank relapsed. Him almost attempting to kill himself, and Gerard saving him. ‘He keeps saving me, and I don’t know if I deserve it,’ he said, tears rolling down his eyes.</p><p>‘You deserve to be saved, and that shows he cares about you.’</p><p>Frank couldn’t say anything more because he was crying, so he nodded.</p><p>‘Thanks for trusting me and telling me this,’ she said. ‘This will take time, so don’t push yourself. You’re doing great. I suggest you start journaling to keep track of your mood, and how you’re feeling. You told me you write poetry, right?’</p><p>Frank nodded. ‘And songs.’</p><p>‘Well, you can use that too.’</p><p>Frank nodded, and then he was out of there as soon as the session was over. As usual, Gerard was waiting for him outside. ‘How did it go?’ he asked Frank.</p><p>He just nodded, and they went home.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Frank was starting to get used to his routine, which was good. Finding his way around without the need of alcohol. Getting used to a more normal lifestyle.</p><p>Waking up to Gerard by his side, sometimes still asleep. He could get used to the sight of Gerard’s pale skin and his snores. It was the best view ever, and he was lucky enough to be the only one to see it.</p><p>While Gerard cooked dinner – he was better at it – Frank would take Pansy out to go potty. They would have breakfast together, before Gerard had to go to work. Frank was still looking for a job that didn’t involve alcohol or an unhealthy environment that could lead him to relapse again, so he’d stay home with Pansy, and spend the whole morning writing, or playing guitar to her.</p><p>He’d order takeout for dinner, and when Gerard came home, they’d eat it watching a movie, and make out after.</p><p>He realized when Gerard wasn’t around his mood changed, and life had no meaning unless he was around. Dr. Perez had told him he had an addictive personality. He was not only addicted to drugs, but sex, people. He knew it. He noticed the patterns, with Bob, now with Gerard. He felt incomplete without him, without being intoxicated. He didn’t know who he was anymore.</p><p>What would happen if Gerard had to leave? If for some reason they had to be apart? He didn’t know what to do. But he knew he wouldn’t survive without him.</p><p>‘What are you thinking about, babe?’ Gerard asked him, seeing how distraught he looked.</p><p>‘Nothing, I –’ But Gerard knew him better, and a simple look was all he needed to let the tears flood. ‘I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve been trying to figure out, but without all the shit inside me, I’m just empty.’</p><p>‘Don’t say that. You’re the most caring person I know. You help everyone even if you hate them. You love music more than anything, except dogs.’</p><p>‘And you.’</p><p>‘And me.’ Gerard smiled at that. ‘You are so adorable. And I’m glad you got sober because that’s a different side of you I discovered. You feel everything so much, and you’re so talented and smart. But sometimes I’m worried all those feelings are more damaging to you than anything, and that’s what got you where you are.’</p><p>Frank doesn’t say anything, he just looks at his boyfriend, frowning.</p><p>‘I think maybe you need to talk more about what you’re feeling, so I can help you with the weight. Okay?’</p><p>‘Okay.’</p><p>‘But it’s normal you feel like that,’ Gerard continued. ‘You’re a different person now. Maybe you can reinvent yourself.’</p><p>‘But how?’</p><p>‘I don’t know we’ll figure it out.’</p><p>There was a long silence, as they cuddled closer together, Gerard comforting Frank. ‘I need a job.’</p><p>‘Have you called your ex boss? Didn’t he tell you he’d get you an office position?’</p><p>‘Yeah. But I rather start from scratch. Reinvent myself.’ He liked the idea after all.</p><p>The next morning, he walked around the neighborhood, filling out applications in different restaurants and stores. He’d take a dishwasher position if it was available. But no one seemed interested.</p><p>He then got to the local bookstore, where a sign hung on the window. HELP WANTED. He walked in, and talked to the man behind the counter. Mr. Kyle told him he was too old and needed a time off, so the job was his and he could start the next day.</p><p>He was now Frank Iero, cashier in a vintage bookstore in NYC, with the cutest dog and the best boyfriend, and he was actually happy.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. 13 happy</h2></a>
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    <p>The bookstore had to be open at eight every morning, so Frank had to wake up at six, get in the shower and get ready. It was only a couple of blocks away from home, so he took his time to take Pansy outside, and have breakfast with Gerard.</p><p>Gerard made sure he was taking his meds, and kissed him goodbye before he headed out.</p><p>Frank was smiling again, and Gerard loved that.</p><p>He loved seeing this new side of him. He loved seeing him learning to smile again, learning to be a functioning adult that didn’t depend on alcohol to make it through the day. Learning new routines.</p><p>Getting coffee from the Starbucks next door before opening. Getting ready to open the store and dusting off the shelves. Taking the sign outside, and setting up the table outside.</p><p>They didn’t have a lot of customers, so he occupied himself doing inventory, and making lists of books in case someone asked for recommendations.</p><p>Whenever someone came in, Frank would talk to them for the longest time about books and it always ended up in his recommending either Stephen King or The Catcher in the Rye. He didn’t realize how much he liked talking about books.</p><p>Whenever customers actually bought something, he’d start talking again, making conversation about the books they got, and asking for recommendations.</p><p>On his free time, which was a lot, he’d either read – he could read a book a day –, or write. One time, a girl saw him writing something in his journal and asked him about it. ‘I’m writing poems,’ he answered. He’d already filled an entire journal since rehab, which explained why he was starting to feel better.</p><p>‘I wanna write poems too,’ the girl said.</p><p>‘Really? That’s awesome! You know what, I’m gonna give you your first notebook for poems.’ He grabbed a leather journal from the counter, making a mental note to pay for it later, and gave it to the girl. ‘Promise me to write your heart out, okay?’</p><p>‘I will.’ The parents saw the whole interaction and thanked him.</p><p>When he made it home, Gerard was waiting for him with dinner ready – takeout –, and wearing only boxers. ‘Damn, this is the best thing to come home to,’ Frank said with a smile, and kissed Gerard.</p><p>They sat down to eat, both in their boxers, and watched a Tim Burton movie while eating Chinese food, Pansy sleeping between them.</p><p>Gerard tried to keep him occupied. Making out, mainly. But going for walks, or to the theater. They signed up for cooking classes for couples, and though Frank thought that was the cheesiest thing to ever exist, he enjoyed spending time with Gerard.</p><p>They’d talked about their day. Gerard about his deadlines and complaining about his boss, and Frank about his customers, and the little girl who wanted to be a poet.</p><p>Frank laughed at Gerard stupid jokes, and Gerard loved that, so he kept saying them.</p><p>His laugh was the best thing Gerard had ever heard, a new noise he was still discovering, that was so new, he hadn’t got used to it.</p><p>A couple days later, when Frank closed the bookstore, Gerard was already waiting for him outside with a bouquet of red roses. He took Frank to a fancy restaurant, and asked him about his day.</p><p>Frank was still getting used to this kind of relationship, but he loved it.  </p><p>Back at home, they’d do their usual ritual of sucking each other off, and having sex in the shower.</p><p>They’d sleep together every night, Gerard’s arm around Frank.</p><p>And they’d do everything again.</p><p>Frank was happy with his life.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> Frank was getting used to smiling more and laughing and his new life that definitely made him happy. He loved having Gerard around, even though he sometimes felt he felt like he depended on him, he couldn’t live without Gerard.</p><p>Frank didn’t know if his dreams would come true anytime soon, but he for now, working at the bookstore, writing poems and coming home to Pansy and Gerard were the best things that could ever happen to him.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. 14 from my head to my middle finger, i really think i like you</h2></a>
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    <p>Frank was staring outside the window, somewhere far away.</p><p>There was a bird on the branch right outside getting all his attention. He didn't know what type of bird it was but for some reason that seemed more interesting that whatever his therapist was saying.</p><p>'Frank –,' she repeated. He turned to her, but he wasn't a hundred percent there. He wasn't sure if it was the meds or just one of those days. 'Frank, how are you feeling?'</p><p>He didn't answer. </p><p>He didn't know what to say. </p><p>He'd been doing fine. Better than ever, he'd say. But he'd been feeling like shit since the night before. He remembered locking himself in the bathroom, and holding the blade in his hand. </p><p>He wasn't even crying anymore. </p><p>He was numb. </p><p>Nothing mattered anymore. He tried to remember Gerard, sleeping on the other side of the door, waiting for him to get back to bed. But a voice in his head told him Gerard would be better without him, without having to take care of him.</p><p>Frank was trying so hard, yet he always ended up like this.</p><p>'Frankie?' he heard Gerard's voice calling from outside the bathroom. 'Are you okay?'</p><p>Frank wiped off his tears and threw away the blade. 'I'm fine!' he said, even though it was obvious he was crying.</p><p>Gerard opened the door right away, and found him crying in the sink. He pulled him to his arms, where Frank sobbed for the longest time, and Gerard comforted him, while looking for traces of blood and cuts, but didn't find any. 'It's going to be okay,' he whispered. </p><p>He made soup for him, and they sat in the couch, Pansy in Frank's lap. 'You want to talk?' Gerard asked.</p><p>Frank shook his head. 'I don't know what happened, you know. I just woke up, and started thinking and then I felt like I needed to save you from this shit.'</p><p>'You don't need to save me from anything. I'm here because I love you, okay? And we're going to get through it together.' He took Frank's hand and squeezed it. </p><p>Frank nodded. 'I love you.' He rested his head in Gerard's shoulder, snuggling with his face hiding in his neck. </p><p>They stayed like that until Frank fell asleep on top of him.</p><p>Gerard woke up early to call Mr. Kyle and let him know that Frank wasn't feeling good and couldn't go to work, and then to Frank's therapist to make an appointment.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>'I'm –,' he stuttered. 'I'm better.'</p><p>'That's good!'</p><p>He nodded. He was good at lying and pretending to be fine. It should be easy. He knew Gerard probably told him the reason why he was there, but he wasn't ready to admit it.</p><p>'Can you tell me more about it?'</p><p>'I have Gerard, and Pansy. I'm writing more. I got a job –'</p><p>'Oh, yeah?'</p><p>'Yeah. At a bookstore. And I really like it.' He couldn't not smile at it. 'And my boss' wife is helping me to self-publish a poetry book.'</p><p>'Is that something you like doing?'</p><p>He nodded. He was actually happy with what he had. It wasn't much but it was enough to be happy and safe. He knew it. Then why he was feeling like shit? 'I didn't know until now. I don't want to be a famous writer or anything. I just like doing it. And I enjoy working at the store, and helping people find a book they might like. And coming home to Gerard. I really love that.'</p><p>'I'm glad to hear that.'</p><p>'Then why do I feel numb sometimes?' he said, tears rolling down.</p><p>Dr. Perez took a moment to answer. 'I don't know exactly why. It could be a chemical unbalance in your brain. Depression is like that sometimes.' Frank nodded. 'And your body is so used to being intoxicated it could be its way to ask you for more. Sometimes there can be triggers, intrusive thoughts. It's really complicated. But let's find ways to help you with that, okay?'</p><p>Frank nodded.</p><p>She handed him a piece of paper and told him to write everything that made him happy. 'Every single thing. Not just your boyfriend and your dog. It can be a cup of coffee, or a specific song.' So he did that. </p><p>He didn't think he'd fill the entire page of scribbles, but he did.</p><p>'Every time you feel like it's coming, try thinking about all of this. Find something, an activity to distract yourself with. Make it a habit.' Frank smiled to himself reading his list. 'You're stronger than you think, Frank.'</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When Frank got out of the shrink's office, Gerard was waiting for him outside. 'Feeling better?' he asked.</p><p>Frank nodded and hugged his boyfriend. 'I'm scared,' he said, his voice muffled against Gerard's hoodie.</p><p>'Scared of what?'</p><p>'What if I never recover and I keep trying until I finally do it? What if I relapse?'</p><p>'Then – we get up again. And again. I'll be right there every time.' Frank didn't want to cry, but it was too late. </p><p>'Why would you want to be with me?' he asked, looking at Gerard's eyes now.</p><p>'I told you. I love you. And I'll pick you up every time, because my life isn't the same without you.' Frank didn't know how Gerard was just as addicted to him as Frank was to Gerard. Gerard wasn't sure if that was a healthy relationship, but he felt incomplete without Frank and his laugh. And he'd do anything in his hands to make him laugh again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Their life was simple. </p><p>Waking up together, maybe morning sex if they woke up early enough. Having coffee together and walking the dogs. Yes, dogs. Gerard gave Frank two more dogs because he knew that was the secret to make him smile. Now Snippy and Lois joined Pansy. </p><p>They were a family.</p><p>They had talked about kids, but not in the near future. </p><p>They wanted to enjoy what they had a little longer.</p><p>Frank loved his job at the bookstore, and he loved being engaged to a comic book artist and that one day they'd get married and have kids. The promise that one day they'd have a family and get a house in the suburbs gave him hope. </p><p>Hope.</p><p>It was a new word in his vocabulary.</p><p>And he liked it. </p><p>He liked waking up next to Gerard's naked body, snoring, and his legs tangled up with his. He couldn't help smiling.</p><p>He was so lucky.</p><p>Gerard stirred in his sleep, and cuddled next to Frank. 'What are you smiling about?' he mumbled. He couldn't stop looking at Frank's smile. 'You look so cute,' he said, playing with his hair, which was longer now, and there was facial hair, which Gerard adored. </p><p>He would never get tired of it.</p><p>It had taken so long and so many endless nights for Frank to smile again. But Frank was happy.</p><p>'Stop looking at me like that, idiot,' Frank said. 'And make me breakfast.'</p><p>Gerard smiled before pressing his lips against his. 'I love you so fucking much.'</p><p>'I know,' Frank replied smiling.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading this &lt;3 <br/>I hope you liked the ending... Frankie is finally happy!<br/>what started as a joke to have Bob and Frank together, ended up one of my favorite ones to write, so thank you for all the love</p>
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